A lot of us grew up being told that money is something you don’t talk about. It’s private, it’s impolite, and bringing it up can feel like breaking a family rule. That habit tends to follow people well into adulthood, even when there’s a real decision on the table.
CNBC Make It recently looked at why these conversations are so hard and how to get them started. Reporter Ryan Ermey turned to Wingspan Founder Christina Wing for her advice. Christina has written a book on the conversations families avoid, Unspeakable: The Taboo Topics We Avoid and How to Talk About Them, and money is one of the big ones.
Why money is so hard to talk about
Christina’s explanation is that money has always come with strings attached, and people have used it as a weapon for so long that most of us would rather avoid it. People with a lot of money worry about being judged for the choices they make. People without it don’t want others to know, because their self-worth is tied up in it. The result is that a lot of families skip the conversation entirely.
That silence has consequences, and they can be emotional and financial.
“The cost of silence is that decisions get made without people’s input and without people knowing.”
She gave a few examples. If a family never talks about estate planning, a parent can die without their children knowing what they wanted. If nobody brings up succession, one sibling may end up inheriting the family business over another. And parents who never set expectations about paying for college, hoping a scholarship will come through, can leave their child disappointed when they get into a school the family can’t afford. As Christina put it, not talking about these things doesn’t make them go away.
Start with a common goal
Her main piece of advice is to find a goal you share with the other person and put it on the table at the start. When both people know what they’re working toward, a lot of the fear and judgment that comes with money talk starts to ease.
With aging parents, that shared goal might be making sure they’re taken care of if they become incapacitated or need long-term care. If they bristle at the idea of discussing money, Christina suggests saying something like, “I don’t need to know what you and mom have. I don’t need to know if I’m getting anything. But I do need to know what my responsibilities would be if something happened to you.”
The same approach works with friends. If your group’s plans for dinners and trips cost more than you can spend, quietly going along or dropping out tends to build resentment. Christina’s suggestion is to be upfront about why you want to get together in the first place. Tell them you love when they pick the restaurant, and also invite them over for homemade pizza and a movie, or suggest a walk, because what you want is to see them and you can’t keep spending at that level.
Ermey tried this himself. He’s getting married next year, the guest list is close to 250, and the costs added up quickly. Even though he and his fiancé have been saving, they each asked their parents to contribute. Ermey grew up in a house where money was considered rude to discuss, so he was dreading it. He told his parents what he expected the wedding to cost and explained that he wanted them to have all their people there, since the day was a celebration of them and the whole family as much as it was his marriage. He was nervous enough to feel sick, but they told him the number made sense.
Better late than never
Would it have been easier if his family had talked about money openly all along? Of course. But Christina’s view is that starting late is still far better than not starting, and certainly better than planning a wedding on the assumption that your parents will offer to help.
It’s the same work Christina does with the families she advises, whether the topic is a wedding budget, an estate plan, or who will run the business next.
If you’d like help starting these conversations in your own family, Christina’s book Unspeakable covers money along with the other topics families tend to avoid, and it includes practical ways to bring them up. You can learn more about the book at christinawing.com/book.
Link to the full article below.
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